“I feel overwhelmed,” Dana said softly, covering her face with her hands. She came to therapy utterly exhausted, depleted to her core. Her entire life revolved around others- her children, her partner, her family, her work. She did everything for everyone, always before pausing to ask what she herself needed.
From the outside, she appeared highly functioning, even successful. On the inside, she felt empty and worn down, struggling to get out of bed in the morning and constantly feeling short of breath. Like many other clients, Dana believed that being a “good mother” and a “good person” meant always being available, always giving, always saying yes. Saying no felt selfish and was accompanied by intense guilt. She wanted to be the most devoted mother, the
most supportive partner, the most considerate daughter. Along the way, she gradually lost herself.
Signs That Boundaries May Be Missing in Your Life
At times, it’s hard to recognize that the real difficulty doesn’t lie with the people around us, but with a lack of clear boundaries. Some common warning signs include:
- A persistent sense of overwhelm
- Anger or resentment toward those who ask for your help
- Avoiding conversations or social interactions out of fear that someone will ask for
“one more thing” - Emotional and physical exhaustion
- Fantasies of escaping, disappearing, or leaving everything behind
- A complete lack of time for yourself
If you recognize yourself in several of these signs, boundaries may be a topic worth exploring.
Why Don’t People Respect Our Boundaries?
Sometimes it feels as though others are “walking all over us,” but in reality, we may be struggling to hold clear boundaries. This can happen when:
- You don’t take your own needs seriously
- You don’t expect others to take responsibility for their actions
- You apologize for setting limits
- You allow too much flexibility or exception-making
- Your messages are vague or unclear
- Your boundaries remain in your thoughts instead of being spoken aloud
- You assume that stating a boundary once is enough
A boundary that is unspoken, inconsistent, or unsupported by behavior is difficult to maintain.
So What Are Boundaries, Really?
Boundaries are the needs, values, and expectations that allow us to feel safe and at ease within relationships. They protect our emotional and mental well-being and help us know when it is right to say yes- and when it is important to say no. The ability to choose, rather than act out of people-pleasing, is central to well-being in relationships.
When boundaries are unclear, the first thing to suffer is self-care. The desire to help others comes at the expense of listening to ourselves—often leading to burnout.
Porous Boundaries vs. Rigid Boundaries
Porous boundaries are weak or poorly defined. They can lead to overinvestment, chronic fatigue, anxiety, depression, and unhealthy patterns of over-closeness in relationships. On the other hand, overly rigid boundaries function like walls. They are often built out of fear of vulnerability or past experiences of exploitation. Such boundaries create
emotional distance, withdrawal, and difficulty with intimacy. Emotional health lies in the middle- in boundaries that are both flexible and firm, allowing closeness without self-erasure.
“I Have No Time for Myself”- Do I Really?
In the therapy room, I hear this sentence again and again: “I have no time for myself.” Often, upon honest reflection, it becomes clear that the issue is not a lack of time, but a lack of decision to make space for oneself. Self-care is not a luxury, nor is it limited to a spa day. It is also not selfish. Saying “no” to a particular request, listening to your fatigue, and choosing yourself—these are profound acts of self-care.
How Do We Begin to Set Boundaries?
Every boundary involves two essential stages: communication and action.
Communication-
The first step is to say things out loud. People cannot accurately guess your boundaries based on hints or unspoken expectations. A boundary needs to be clear, direct, and respectful.
Action-
Words alone are not enough. A boundary gains real validity only when behavior aligns with what has been said. Consistency is what teaches others to take your boundaries seriously.
For those who wish to explore this topic more deeply and strengthen their ability to set healthy boundaries, I highly recommend the book Set Boundaries by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
